Caught in the Mean Reds

I've got a case of the Mean Reds today and I don't know why. Watch "Breakfast at Tiffanys" with Audrey Hepburn and you'll find out what they are. I think it's just another term for depression. Mean Reds, depression, whatever you want to call it cuts like a knife and you can't find enough bandaids to stanch the blood.

I have absolutely no reason to be depressed. I have a family that loves me, sons that are second to none, who love their mother and their daddy and Jesus, a husband who loves me in spite of my lack of being an everyday, normal kind of wife. I'm not normal. I hate housework, I don't cook, I don't enjoy doing anything domestic. Where is my passion? I wish I could say that my passion is "God" but even that isn't true all the time. I'm not even that sure how God puts up with me sometimes. Only a merciful One would because I certainly don't give Him what He demands, or at least most of the time. I try. I try hard, well, no that's a lie because I don't even try hard all the time. I know that I am saved and that I am a child of God but at times I feel like the prodigal daughter that keeps running away to live with the pigs.

I am looking for passion in my life. No, I don't mean the "bent back over the staircase , bosom heaving in its jealous corset seeking to contain the primal screams within" kind of passion. I am looking for the kind of passion that makes me want to get up every day out of bed and to do something obedient. I want to be on fire. I long for the fire. I know where the wood is. I know where the matches are. So why don't I want to pick either up and create a blaze? Please, God, show me the passion, kill this depression, give me a reason.

One of my biggest fears is to be 6 feet under at Jefferson Memorial Gardens and have absolutely no one or nothing to show for the life that I've lived other than my family. I want to leave something behind for others to read or experience that has my signature on it that will change lives. I don't want the praise of man, don't get me wrong. I want to be obedient to God. I just want to know that I mattered.

I buy supplies. I love supplies. I have spent probably $1000 at Michael's and Walmart and a scrapbook store that I found in Foley, Alabama, just to make scrapbooks and greeting cards. But have I made one? Well, I have done 1 or 2 cards but that's it. I't's the buying of supplies that I love and crave. I know that if I am to be passionate about this that I've got to use the supplies that I've bought.

I think that must be one of the answers...I have the supplies...I've been to the store and purchased what I need. I've just got to use them. God has given me the answers, the supplies, He has purchased everything that I need. Now it is time for me to clean out the supply room and organize. My life needs passion and organization. That's it--let's try to organize. I'll attempt to blog further on my attempts at passion and organization and see what happens. I can't do it on my own, God please help me to be better than I am. Mean Reds are not cool.